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In the October 2000 General Conference, President Dallin H. Oaks said, “The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become...We are challenged to move through a process of conversion toward that status and condition called eternal life.”
So, we learn from President Oaks (and others) that conversion is a process. My experience with this process is that we progress up to a spiritual peak and then maybe we don’t do as well and fall into a valley. And if you’re like me, you do this over and over again. But hopefully, over time, as we zoom out and see a bigger picture, we can see an upward trajectory of the peaks and valleys. In other words, I may on occasion say, “I didn’t do as well this week as I did the week before, but I’m doing better overall than I was a year or five years ago.”
As I have reflected on the peaks and valleys of my life, it is evident to me that my conversion is ongoing. I am still striving. But as I look back on my journey thus far, I have identified three major phases to my conversion so far.
First, Christ freed me from guilt
First, Christ freed me from guilt
Like Nephi in the Book of Mormon, I was “born of goodly parents,” who taught me the Gospel and helped me along the gospel path. Somewhere along the lines in my early teens, though, I started to make some bad choices. Rather than repent initially, I lied to myself, telling myself that I was the exception to the rules, trying to justify my sins to myself. Eventually, I finally admitted to myself the error of my ways, and the bottom fell out from under the fiction I had created in my mind. I fell into profound guilt and despair. Over time, I repented and became whole again. I came to understand and infinitely appreciate the magnitude of the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for me personally. As the Master Healer, Christ was able to heal my spiritual wounds, free me from guilt, and make me whole again.
I felt like Alma the Younger in the Book of Mormon who said to his son Helaman:
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
(Alma 36:20-21)
The second phase of my conversion was that Christ helped me to overcome debilitating perfectionism through His Atonement
The second phase of my conversion was that Christ helped me to overcome debilitating perfectionism through His Atonement
During and after the repentance process I just described, I had an insatiable appetite for all things spiritual. I dove into the scriptures, reading them over and over again. I enjoyed seminary. I excitedly looked forward to serving a mission, preparing and praying. Suddenly I looked forward to watching ten hours of General Conference every six months, whereas before I would half-listen to some of the sessions. I attended the temple often; in fact, the summer after I graduated high school, I went nearly every day to perform baptisms for the dead.
I was doing all of these great things and yet… I was often hard on myself when I felt I didn’t measure up. Like I felt as though I was letting Heavenly Father and others down when I made minor mistakes. When I arrived at my mission, suddenly my perfectionism was magnified even more. There were so many rules and so many ways to fall short of expectations. I was constantly beating myself up. During the first part of my mission, I had some good experiences, but I was largely miserable. I wasn’t being the “amazing missionary” I had imagined myself being for so long.
But over time, I learned to lay my weaknesses at the feet of the Savior and to find joy and hope in Him. I learned how to choose happiness through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and I had a wonderful mission overall -- my weaknesses notwithstanding. At one point I wrote home to my family to tell them that every new day was the best day of my life. Jesus Christ lifted me up out of my self-loathing and perfectionism and helped me to learn how to have joy.
The third phase of my conversion was moving on from doubt
The third phase of my conversion was moving on from doubt
So, you know how you read the Book of Mormon and on one page the Nephites are really righteous and on the next page they are prideful and wicked and you think, “What are you doing?! You were doing so well just a page ago!” Well, when my 30+ years of experience in the Gospel are condensed into a 10 minute talk, I’m afraid I’m going to sound a little bit like those Nephites.
As I returned home from my mission, I went to college and then law school. In my courses of study, I received a lot of training in critical thinking. This critical thinking spilled over into my spiritual life, and I began to re-examine some of the things I had always taken for granted about my beliefs. Some things I learned about Church history had me questioning if Joseph Smith was really a prophet of God. As I confronted these doubts, I determined I could do one of two things: I could continue on the path of faith, or I could not. I had a choice. So, I chose faith. And not just one time. I chose faith over and over again. Day after day. I chose to focus on the things I knew. I knew Christ had taken away my guilt so many years ago and many times since. I knew He loved me. I knew I had had experiences with the Spirit, although in my moments of doubt I maybe didn’t fully appreciate the volume or intensity of those experiences.
And so I pressed on in faith. Even as I tackled complex questions I tried to keep my focus primarily on the “small and simple things.” I improved my study and prayer habits which had admittedly lapsed a bit. I served in callings and attended the temple. I focused on the sacrament and made an increased effort to keep the specific covenants to always remember Christ, keep His commandments, and take His name upon me. As I continued on this path of faith, my doubts were still there and cropped up from time to time but they were less prominent in my mind and heart.
And then, something happened. Sitting in this very chapel, listening to a lesson in Elders Quorum about Joseph Smith, I felt the Spirit testify to me: “Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.” And a little while later, I felt that same witness again, while listening to General Conference. And over time, I remembered all the many other experiences with the Spirit I had had, witnessing to me of Joseph Smith’s prophetic calling, which I had largely forgotten in the middle of my doubts.
The transformation of my doubts was complete. My doubts were no longer doubts but rather questions that I have -- continue to have -- of things that I do not yet fully understand. My faith was now more profound than even before I experienced serious doubts, and this long process gave me a richer understanding of Jesus Christ, His gospel, and His Church. As He had done before, Christ lifted me up, this time lifting me up out of my doubt and helped me to become more fully converted to Him and to have a testimony of His Church in these latter days.
Conclusion
And so, as I have made choices throughout my life to come unto Christ -- the choice to repent, the choice to rely upon the Lord in my weakness, the choice to continue on the path of faith -- Christ has met me more than halfway and lifted me up. He has pulled me out of guilt, despair, and doubt. He has taken me in my lowest moments and helped me to feel of His love. And He helps me now, on a daily basis, as I continue to choose faith everyday to traverse the peaks and valleys of discipleship on my way to becoming fully converted to the Lord Jesus Christ.
In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
